Monday, February 22, 2016

CNY 2016

this year - we spent it at penang.

barry joined us on the 2nd day - he flew in and i picked him up at the airport.

we stayed at this house in sierra vista - found it on air bnb. 3 storey, gated and guarded, fully furnished. RM750 a night. the house fits 10 pax. and allows PETS !!! else how could i bring cosmo along with us on a holiday. such a dream come true.

it was basically laze around all day playing ginrummy and eating and cooking and watching tv and sleeping.

my sister was back in town for 2 weeks which was why we went to penang instead of going overseas. it was really nice having her around - i miss having an older sister.

no photos - havent gotten them out from the camera. i do however have a photo of the XXL home made yee sang prepared for CNY day 1 lunch.

Friday, January 01, 2016

NYE 2015

we spent NYE with Aileen and Rob again. twice in a row now.

instead of doing a hotel stay in town, we stayed over at their place. they cooked us dinner which consisted of roast chicken with veggies, fresh salad leaves and corn.


**photos from my instagram account

before midnight we wished and sang happy birthday to Leen (yes, she's born on the last day of the year). i made that cake topper you see there with cocktail sticks, ribbon and washi tape :)

we played board games till late and the next day, had dim sum brunch at usj 21 before heading back home again for TV time and a lil more games. we had some mushroom soup from a can before barry and i had to head back home to take care of cosmo.

we also had dinner together at the shabu2 place in puchong, bandar puteri.

christmas was spent in JB with my aunts n goofy minus cosmo. twas a very expensive dinner at TGIfridays because all they were serving was their xmas menu and it really wasnt so great.

this post was supposed to have gone live and i only just noticed that it hasnt. so i've back dated it for record's sake.


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

communication problems

why do i feel as though i will never fixed this problem we have.

so last night, apparently rob was about to ask him if he had any problems with us and he was going to say "yeah, i annoyed her".

my first instinct when he told me that was "WHAT???"

what do you mean "i annoyed her". is that even the problem??? shouldnt you be talking about the REASON i'm annoyed not the fact that i am?

so i started to prod further to find out if he ACTUALLY understand WHY we had our issues last month in the first place!

his response to me was "can we not talk about it? i'm trying to FORGET it".

that's not very constructive at all. i feel like i'm back in square one all over again.

in fact, everytime i ask questions about the his feelings or the situation or about his depression - he feels like i'm interrogating him.

something is very very very very wrong.

Tuesday, November 03, 2015

ready to let go

i'm at that stage where i'm almost ready to let go.

let go of the 3+ years we've been together - all the happy memories and happy moments. we never fought so there was never a sad moment except recently.

looking back - there was no one significant event which made such a big impact on me that i would always remember it.

i can't even remember the last time i truly felt completely appreciated and loved.

so much has changed for me.

staying alive this past week without contact has made me realise how much i can live without him. there isn't a big impact or change in my life - something is seriously wrong here.

maybe i brought this all upon myself. i was looking up relationship problems and i found this article:

The 4 Most Common Relationship Problems
http://observer.com/2015/04/the-4-most-common-relationship-problems-and-how-to-fix-them/

it mentions that the 4 common problems are:
  1. Criticism (i'm guilty)
  2. defensiveness (unrelated)
  3. Contempt (i'm guilty)
  4. stonewalling (he's guilty)

so i guess in a nutshell - i was probably angry/frustrated at his inability to stop stonewalling so i resorted to criticism and when i didn't get a response, i went for contempt.

like i said before - i have not been handling this well. maybe i'm the cause of the whole thing lah. GAH.

and of course his unresponsiveness just fuels my rage.

such a vicious cycle.

Monday, November 02, 2015

in my place

this song always reminds me of daniel. but it seems apt for my current state of mind.

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah
Yeah how long must you pay for it?
Yeah how long must you wait for it?
Oh for it
Tired and under prepared
But I wait for it
Leave me down here on my own
Then I'll wait for you (yeah)
Yeah how long must you pay for it?
Yeah how long must you wait for it?
Oh for it
Come back and sing to me, to me, me
Come on and sing it out, now, now
Come on and sing it out, to me, me
Come back and sing it
Were lines that I couldn't change
And I was lost, oh yeah, oh yeah


I was lost, I was lost
Yeah how long must you wait for it?
I was scared, I was scared
If you go, if you go
Yeah how long must you wait for it?
Sing it, please, please, please
In my place, in my place

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

ok i think i'm fucked up

after a day or two (or right now it would be less than a day) - i'd stop feeling angry and instead feel sorry for him and just want to comfort him and tell him that everything will be okay.

why does my emotions keep swinging back and forth like a yoyo?

i just can't seem to make up my mind and i have to keep reminding myself why i'm doing this in the first place. and my heart would make excuses while my head would tell me not to. its such a battle of head and heart.

perhaps i need to be alone more than him. perhaps i am just not cut out to be with anyone. i am now depressed myself.

but our hearts are more elastic than we think, and the work of forgiveness and transformation and growth can do things you can't even imagine from where you're standing now   
- Shauna Neiquist

it's over between us

i didnt think i'd break up with anyone for anything less than this is

we love each other but the fact of the matter is - we have already lost that connection.

he is lost. he has no idea who he is anymore. somehow or rather he has screw up his priorities. he has no idea what to do first - his family? his work? his project? me? money?

logically - you cant sort out your feelings if you have to keep thinking about someone else's.

i dont want to suffer in this relationship and be depressed myself in the end.

i cant stay strong and believe that it will all be better in the end if i don't see efforts being made now. i'm just not that kind of person. i can't hold on to blind faith. i've moved on past that stupid young girl.

it will be better for us if we just go our separate ways. he will have more time on his hands to sort out his shit and what he wants to do for the rest of his life and what his priorities are.

its not fair to him because i will always be demanding more and its not fair to me because i have to accept less than what i deserve.

i deserve better.


right before i stopped talking - i said "give me a reason to stay".
his reply was "i dont know what to say."



Tuesday, October 13, 2015

i think i broke myself

i havent been handling his depression well. i have done everything that you shouldn't do to someone who's depressed. i haven't been fair to him at all and i know it but can't admit it to him or to myself out loud.


i'm in a very dark place right now.

earlier today he asked me if i wanted to go for a short one night only getaway - usually i would immediately say yes and jump at it the opportunity but after what has happened to us, to my emotional well being - i just can't feel the same anymore.


i think i broke myself.


so after all the drama and the 5 days of no contact, we met last night. i will be honest, i just couldn't do it - get back in the grove of things. hold hands like we used to and laugh about the little things. it feels different now. i just didnt feel like i belong anymore. i left as quickly as i could when he dropped me off. he wanted me to linger a while longer, i guess he wanted to talk or something but i just couldn't. i had to leave - i had to get out of the car. i wanted to just go back to my room, my safe place. i needed to leave before the tears fell. i could feel them welling up in my eyes at that time.


perhaps i have just fallen out of love.






Monday, October 12, 2015

falling in love is the easy part


i listened to her talk while driving home from mitsui outlet which i had visited on my own last sunday. she mentioned 36 questions which is a modern twist on love.

it inspired me somehow to rethink some of my choices.

have a look see why don't you.

if the youtube video link doesn't work - please click below to watch it on the ted webbie
https://www.ted.com/talks/mandy_len_catron_falling_in_love_is_the_easy_part?language=en

clarity

speaking to him always always always help. he's my hearts's conscience.

what he said to me earlier seriously seriously resonated with me - "you've already made up your mind, haven't you"

it hit me - i think i did. i don't want to put myself thru dealing with his issues but yet some small part of me still wants to be with him only because its nice being with him, its the friendship i want then i guess. 

his words to me was "you've friendzoned your own boyfriend". yes i think i did.

maybe im quite certain then what i have to do.

im figuring out how perfect then can be so imperfect now. how did we get here? can it be fixed? will i allow it to be fixed? im just the sort of person to just up and leave when i just dont want to deal with it anymore.

he said I've more patience than i give myself credit for. i suppose i am. but there really is just so much i can deal with.

im tired. im fed up. im just so over it.

i think im ready to move on.

i need just a little more clarity and i hope this extra week will help.


Saturday, October 10, 2015

relationship notes

26. Divide and conquer.
You're not identical, thank god, which probably means you have certain strengths and he or she has others. Someone is more organized, someone is more outgoing, someone is a born listener. Someone is better with money, someone is more creative. Someone is more adventurous in bed.
If you each play to your strengths, you in all likelihood remember a gift (possibly an inspired one), your home(s) look(s) great, the bills get paid on time, sex is endlessly fun, and you leave everyone at the party thoroughly charmed.
28. Observe
You notice when the other person is about to lose it, needs to leave even if you've been there only 20 minutes, is talking to someone he or she can't stand, did something he or she feels guilty about, is silently berating himself or herself, is ruminating over the thing his or her boss said, is about to spend an insane amount of money, and best of all, about to crack up in a situation where he or she shouldn't. You pay attention because you care, and because that's the good stuff.
30. Occasionally get over yourself and your cynicism and fear of cliche and do something deeply, unapologetically romantic.
You send the flowers, have the book signed by the author, request the song, write the note, have the damned thing (tastefully) engraved. You call the other person and tell him or her that specific thing he or she did this morning that made you fall that much more in love. When you're not expecting it, he or she dares to say, even though we all know there are no guarantees ever, "When we're X age, want to Y?"
31. Just know.
Reader, marry that.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/19/31-ways-to-know-youre-in-the-right-relationship-advice_n_1608813.html

absence

they say absence makes the heart grow fonder

i don't think that's the case for me

i dont miss him

the longer i stay away the longer i notice that i can live without him

over the last four years i've grown so independent of him that i cease to need him in almost all aspects of my life - the exception being close companionship of course (which can be easily replaced by a close friend)

i find myself rethinking my life with him - is it worth it?

as far as i've noticed - he has not made any major sacrifices for me nor asked me to marry him (even though he has asked informally so many times). i wouldn't say that i'm desperately looking to be married or anything - i just see that as an indication that he wants a lifelong serious commitment with me and that he's dedicated to spending his life with me (as he mentions this intention so casually every other month)

being together and not being married is fine with me as well but it does feel like its going nowhere (maybe i do want to get married and have kids la - or i just want to move in together)

we're not even living together so spending quality time together is hard because we both work long hours. i believe we lack communication - i've mentioned to him that its important to me that we connect on a deeper level but time and time again he will say that talking much (especially emotions) is just not his thing. so i've no idea how this is going to work

i do believe i'm drifting away - we are growing apart as i have said

its been 2.5 days since the break - i think i can manage just fine if i'm not with him any more. shall just meet the 2 week quota and i shall see how i feel from then

i think i'm being selfish here - what with all the decisions i'm making without him. yes, i'm not perfect - maybe i'm just making things up in my head. maybe i just dont want to be involved with his depression. maybe i'm just not cut out to be with anyone

maybe he just isn't the right person for me...


Wednesday, October 07, 2015

the break

i called for a 2 week break today.

we were going nowhere.

we were not progressing as a couple but instead growing apart as individuals.

i dont know anymore what i feel.

i catch myself crying every now and then. is that what happy feels like?

that time when we agreed to meet for dinner - i had already gotten ready, put on my best, had already got in the car about to drive when he texted "i don't feel like going out tonight, i think i'll just stay home tonight".

i was crushed.

and the other time when he said he would come over at 9.30pm, i waited till 10pm - still no sign of him. finally at 10.30pm i said "i'm going to bed, goodnight." he only replied at 11.50pm that he couldn't come because the guy he met up with at 8pm wouldn't stop talking. (what an excuse).

come to think of it - the scenario where he said he would come but end up not coming has happened quite a few times over the years.

he doesn't think of it as a big deal but i think if it happens too many times, it would be.

maybe i'm just overreacting?

but i dont feel completely happy. its like i'm happy - then i'm not. im starting to feel indifferent.

i'm starting to push away.

Thursday, October 01, 2015

i'm still broken

i thought i was okay already. but recent events have just turned things around.

i told him i was alright last night even thought i was all broken up inside.

Monday, September 28, 2015

kamekameha power! (sorta)

favourite shot taken at Hugh Bamford Reserve north of Bondi Beach, NSW Sydney